I’ve been praying to the fantasy football gods for all of my adult life from September through December every season, but that doesn’t mean I have all the answers. Just like real religious people.
That’s why I say you *MIGHT* be OK if you follow these rules. The only thing I can guarantee is that you won’t be considered a douchebag by the rest of your league. Unless you’re just a douchebag in real life, in which case I can’t help you. Douchebag.
1. Never taunt your league-mates’ injuries.
Case in point:
— Bryan (@bryan_CTP) August 6, 2013
That tweet came across my timeline about an hour or so after this one:
— Bryan (@bryan_CTP) August 6, 2013
That’s what you get, kids. Eye for an eye in this fake little game of ours. The fantasy gods are cruel.
Also, suck it Bryan.
2. Also, don’t root for injuries. Especially out loud.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard my Cleveland friends say that they hope Ben Roethlisberger breaks his leg. And mean it. Browns’ fans are serious about their hate for Pittsburgh, because it’s just natural to hate things/places/teams that are better than yours. Let’s be honest though, Cleveland fans should hate everything/everywhere/every team in that case.
I might let them get away with it because I like my Cleveland friends, but the fantasy gods will not. They will smite your fantasy team with the gravity of a million black holes. Or just injure one of your favorite players. Same.
Besides, it’s not cool to root for injuries because these players are people too, you guys.
3. Never, ever, Tweet at real players.
You’re an idiot if you do, and you’re making the rest of us look bad. Stop it.
Even if you’re just congratulating the player for a great day. That’s like a grown man begging for autographs at training camp, but it’s on the Internet. For all of us to see.
4. Never assume any victory on social media until all the games have been played.
So you’re only down two points with your best running back to go on Monday Night Football. May as well start the gloating on Facebook a day early. Don’t forget to tag your friend in the update. I’m sure that game’s in the bag, right?
Immediately after you post that pathetic — and now public — attempt at trash talk on Facebook at your opponent, turf monster. Pulled hamstring in warm-ups. Coach’s decision. Busted for pot. Sharknado. You get the idea, let your imagination come up with something ridiculous and it’ll probably happen if you gloated too soon.
Also, as an aside, trash talk never really lands well on social media. It’s much better in person if you’re quick-witted. And if you’re slow and stupid like me, just replay the conversation in your head a million times and come up with the perfect comeback a week later. You’ll get him next time, slugger.
5. Don’t change your fantasy football team name every week.
I don’t know if the fantasy gods care about that, but I do damn it. It’s annoying.
For the love of all that is football, have some consistency and simplicity in your life. All we want when we log in to our fantasy leagues every Monday or Tuesday is to know who we’re going to curb stomp next weekend. We don’t want to have to try to figure it out. EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK.
Besides, nobody but you cares about your fantasy football team name. Except us, we care about your fantasy football team name.
If we wanted confusion/subterfuge/hard-to-read/mind games/etc., we would have invited our wives and/or girlfriends to play in our leagues. But we don’t do that. Because we know what that’s like. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.